If you’re considering taking steps to contact a birth parent, there is something really important you should do first. Determine your intentions.
Clearly outlined intentions will not only lay the groundwork for you, but also for the person who will be attempting contact on your behalf (if this is the route you choose), as well as the birth parent you are seeking. In other words, it helps everyone involved.
It’s actually pretty common for a client to ask me to help them make contact with a birth parent, only to be met with an “I haven’t really thought about it in detail” response to the question, “What are your intentions for seeking out your birth parent(s)?”
Also, this initial contact might be your only chance to get in whatever it is you want to say. So it’s very important to determine what’s most important for you to say and what’s most important for you to ask. I suggest making a list or an outline.
Here are some prompts for you to consider as you form your intentions:
If you could only have one conversation with your birth parent(s), what do you want to tell them and what do you want to ask them?
Do you want a familial health history? Mental health history?
Do you want to know if you have siblings?
Do you want to know the circumstances of your conception, birth, and/or adoption?
Do you want a relationship or are you just looking for answers to specific questions?
If you are open to communicating directly with your birth parent(s), what are comfortable with/not comfortable with? Written letter? Email? Social media? Phone call? In-person visit?
If you are contacting your birth mother, do you want to ask her the identity of your birth father?
Do you want photographs of your birth parent(s)? Current? As children? From the time of your conception/birth? From each decade of their lives?
What do you want to tell them about you and your life?
Once my clients establish their intentions, they tend to feel more confident in moving forward. It seems to ground them.
It’s also important to realize that your birth parent(s) are probably going to be quite shocked at your phone call or letter. Give them time to consider their own feelings and answers to some of these same questions. Their knee-jerk reaction is not typically their permanent reaction.