For those who have never been involved in a birth parent search, you might think the search is the most difficult part. It’s not. Making contact is much more complicated and messy. Much.
As you can imagine, many adoptions are accompanied by trauma, fear, anxiety, regret, shame, and all kinds of other tangled emotions. So imagine what it’s like for a birth mother or birth father to receive a call one day, completely out of the blue, with news that the child they placed for adoption all those years ago is making contact.
Both shock and sometimes denial is a common knee-jerk reaction for many of these birth parents. They need space and time to absorb the bomb that’s just been placed in their lap.
I’ve been asked about the differences in making contact with a birth mother versus a birth father. Do I approach them differently? Are there differences in their reactions? Does one tend to be more receptive than the other?
I do approach birth mothers and birth fathers differently.
Since it’s a very real possibility that my client’s birth father has zero knowledge of their child’s existence, it’s important that I approach every birth father under this assumption. So I arm myself with as much information as possible about the birth mother, where she lived at the time of conception, and the evidence I have collected that points to him as the birth father. I prepare myself for a barrage of questions. I get to the point faster with birth fathers than I do with birth mothers.
For birth mothers, I tend to broach the subject with them as tenderly as possible. I can typically tell in the first 30 seconds of our conversation which direction I need to take with them. I’ve even made calls to birth mothers in which I’ve had irrefutable evidence that they are the birth mother, but instead of directly calling them “birth mom”, I instead say, “Based on the evidence I’ve collected, it appears that my client’s birth mother is somewhere in your close family.” The truth tends to come out naturally with time. As I build trust with them, they need to feel they have control over when they are ready to confirm that relationship.
The reactions I see from birth parents vary. As for any differences between birth mothers and birth fathers specifically, it’s a mixed bag. It’s easier for birth fathers to deny their parentage, but I’ve curiously had more birth mothers than birth fathers claim that I have the wrong person. Many times, they come around. But occasionally, they don’t.
In general, birth fathers are more factually-driven. Birth mothers are more emotionally-driven.
A few things ring true for all birth parents, regardless of the father or mother role.
Once they’ve been informed the child they placed for adoption is reaching out, birth parents need time and space to process. Their first reaction should never be considered their permanent reaction.
It helps them to have some control over the situation. They can’t automatically be bombarded with questions that demand immediate answers. Some things are best eased into. It’s helpful to allow them to respond in the timeframe of their choosing, as well as in the format of their choosing.
I’m not pushy. This could cause them to withdraw or shut down altogether.
It’s my job to reconnect my client to their birth family in some capacity. I’m tenacious, but I’m also patient and empathetic. These conversations aren’t typically easy to navigate. But they are so worth it.