It might be surprising to many of you that several of my adoptee clients who hire me to identify, find, and contact their birth parents are themselves of more advanced ages. This places their birth parents in a most definite category of “elderly”.
So what’s the protocol in handling attempted contact with an elderly birth parent in their 80s or 90s? What if they have dementia, are in a nursing home, or simply can’t hear well over the phone? What if their children or grandchildren are essentially their gatekeeper? Is it even worth the risk of upsetting or confusing them at such an advanced age?
Unfortunately, there is no protocol in handling cases that involve elderly birth parents. Hence this post.
The following advice is just that… advice. Take it or leave it. Agree or disagree. This is based on one private investigator’s own track record of attempting contact with elderly birth parents:
Do your research. Check out the elderly birth parent’s address to see if it’s attached to assisted living, a nursing home, or something similar.
If there is evidence of potential difficulty in getting through to an elderly birth parent, weigh the positives and negatives of contacting one of their children or someone else close to them instead.
Ask yourself how you would hope a private investigator would speak to your own elderly parent or grandparent.
Tread cautiously with a preparedness that you could be met with potential hurdles.
Be kind, considerate, thoughtful, and accommodating.
Give even more reassurances than normal that your client isn’t looking for anything from them. Be clear in your communication and answer any questions they have.
Consider writing and mailing a detailed letter in place of making a phone call. This is often the right move with elderly birth parents.
You might be surprised at how spry an elderly birth parent can still be in his or her 80s, 90s, or beyond. So be prepared for that too.
Be respectful of their response, even if it’s not what you or your client hoped for.
It can sometimes be even more difficult than normal to finally get through to an elderly birth parent. Don’t give up easily.