It doesn’t take much for private investigator moms to scare the bajeebies out of our children and our children’s friends. And even sometimes for kicks and giggles, their friends’ parents.
MY mom taught me to capitalize on my strengths. Some of my strengths just happen to be a little different from most other moms I know.
- Instead of cooking, we spy.
- We replace shopping for groceries with shopping for the latest covert surveillance equipment.
- While other moms are posting cute photos of their children to Facebook, we are scouring a mom’s Facebook activity for evidence of infidelity.
- While some moms are pouring over the latest recipes on Pinterest, we are pouring over a mound of criminal records we just uncovered on an individual.
- A lot of moms are master gardeners. We are master interrogators.
You get the picture.
Read on to see how private investigator moms are, indeed, the scariest moms.
Disclaimer: Private investigators are not masters of everything. Therefore, it is highly unlikely that any one private investigator can be characterized by everything mentioned below. Oh, and please also realize that this post is 90% humor and 10% fact.
We Own Surveillance Equipment
Let me be clear. We own surveillance equipment.
We Put In More Social Media Hours Than Our Children Do
Think we don’t know what’s trending with our kids and their friends right now? Think again. We not only know where they’re hanging out online and what apps they’re using, but we know how to best leverage each platform to find the information we are seeking.
We Have Private Investigator Friends In Every Corner of the Earth
Kids are going on a spring break trip to Florida? A weekend trip to New York City? Backpacking in Europe with their buddies? No problem. We have eyes everywhere.
We Are Master Interrogators
Kids, please don’t try to hide your secrets. We are quite adept at interrogation and if we have to bring out the big guns, we will.
We Background Check for a Living
The image of the dad cleaning his gun when the boyfriend shows up to pick up the daughter is par for the course. But what about the PI mom who is in the back room, putting together complete background packets on the boyfriend, his parents, friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, neighbors, dogs, and fish?
I’m only kidding.
We Are Excellent Readers of Body Language
If our kids think they can pull a fast one over on us, they better be prepared to eliminate all body language, voice pitch changes, and eye contact. In fact, they better just switch to written communication. Oh snap. We have handwriting analysis too.
We Find Creative (But Totally Legal) Ways to Elicit Truth From People
When we show up with questions, you need only to open your mouth and the truth will come pouring out. We’re just that good.
We Have Loads of Information At Our Fingertips
Moms are nosy. Private investigator moms are the nosiest. We have so many questions and don’t stop until we have answers for each of them. We have databases, records, apps, software, and contacts that help us with this.
We Know How to Forensically Examine Electronic Devices
Please, oh please don’t try to hide information on your phone, tablet, laptop, desktop, camera, gaming console, or any other electronic device. It will not go well for you.
We Carry Guns
No further explanation needed.
We Thrive On Blowing Things Wide Open With Limited Information
Think we only know a very tiny portion of an event? We see this as less of a discouragement and more of the ultimate challenge.
We Have a License to Stalk
Call us what you will. We are licensed, bonded, and insured.
Our Persona Automatically Puts the Fear of God Into Our Children and Their Friends
Whether it’s legitimate or not, nothing can replace the sheer terror in a young person’s heart upon the discovery of our profession.
We’d like to keep it that way.