MY MOST DISASTROUS CASE
I recently worked a case with a birth mother client who said all the right things. We chatted about searching for her two adult biological children who were adopted into a different family 20 years ago. She assured me her intentions were pure and that her primary aim was to hopefully learn that they are happy and healthy and were raised in a good family.
Before I took this birth mom on as a client, we discussed how she would feel if they requested no contact with her and/or her other family members. We discussed several different scenarios of what could happen. This birth mom seemed well adjusted and prepared for anything.
Per my policy and with the birth mother’s prior approval, I located her two biological children and made contact with them myself. Unfortunately for my client, neither of them wished to have contact. But fortunately for my client, I was able to report back to her that they were in fact raised in a healthy home by parents who love them very much. They are both well adjusted adults.
My client was disappointed that they requested no contact, but assured me that she was happy that I found them and happy to know they are in a family who loves them and who has nurtured them into the well adjusted adults they are today.
End of case. Or so I thought.
A few weeks after I closed this case, my birth mother client reached back out to me to let me know that she had found a private investigator who also located her adult biological children, but that this private investigator handed over their contact information.
I was annoyed with my former client. I was also annoyed with this private investigator, that they carelessly handed over phone numbers and addresses to a birth mother without first gaining consent from the biological children who were adopted into a different family.
My former client told me she intended on reaching out to them directly, even after they both expressly made it clear this was against their wishes. I warned my former client that if she reached out to them, it would not go well. If she had any hope to reconnect with them in the future, this act would surely severe that possibility forever.
She reached out to them. And it did not go well.
Now my former client is angry, hurt, and rejected, and holds no realistic hope that her biological children will ever be open to communicating with her in the future. She broke their trust and broke her promises when she reached out to them directly. It has not ended well for anyone.
This is the most disastrous case I’ve ever handled.
HOW I CAN PREVENT DISASTER IN THE FUTURE
Obviously, I’d love to prevent this from happening again. It has caused me to reevaluate my work, the services I offer, and what I need to change so this outcome isn’t repeated. It’s why I’m writing this particular blog post.
So. How can I better prepare my future clients for potential disappointment?
Screen each client through a myriad of questions.
Talk through realistic expectations versus unrealistic expectations.
Walk a client through negative reactions that could occur and evaluate their responses for indicators that they might not handle the rejection well.
Provide each client with a list of adoption search support groups and encourage them to find one to join.
Point clients to articles, books, and other resources to help them work through their emotions and expectations before, during, and after a search.
Don’t be afraid to turn down a would-be client that doesn’t seem ready for possible rejection.
In hindsight, there were a few indicators I should have paid closer attention to with my former client. I also should have provided her with resources to help her work through some of her emotions. I should have asked more questions. Ultimately, I should have turned her down as a client. She wasn’t ready.
RECOMMENDATIONS BEFORE YOU SEARCH
If you are considering searching for a long lost biological family member, I encourage you to reach out to those who love you and talk it through with them. Listen to their feedback. Find resources to help prepare you for all possible scenarios. If you don’t think you can handle even one of those possible scenarios, then reconsider your decision to search. Hold off until you’re ready and are confident in your ability to handle whatever it may bring.
I’m happy to give you a list of resources for free. There are many. Contact me at rdavis@newhopeinvestigations.com anytime.