How To Best Pen a Letter to a Birth Parent

A fellow investigator recently asked for advice on how to best pen a letter to a birth parent.

That’s a big question with a complex answer. So complex that I decided a blog post was in order.

I find birth parents on a regular basis. It’s what I do as a private investigator. Sometimes, I call a birth parent for initial contact. And other times, I write a letter.

The Process

If I feel a letter is my best and most promising method for contact, the first thing I do is discuss the contents of letter with my client, the adoptee. If my client is not on board with writing a letter, I don’t write it. But if they are supportive, I ask them to carefully consider what should go into the letter. It might take some time for my client to decide what they want the letter to say.

I encourage my clients to read the following blogs before they ultimately decide what they want their letter to say:

Once my client has decided what they want to say in the letter, we discuss their decision in great detail. This is also where I put in my two cents as an investigator and professional. After much discussion and after coming to a consensus, I write the letter.

Once the letter is created, I review it with my client to gain their approval and/or make any changes that need to be made. Then we send it off.

Writing the Letter

Now to the heart of exactly how I write each letter.

I don’t necessarily have a template letter to guide me, but I do have a set of reminders I use as I write up a new letter. Feel free to use these same guidelines for your own letter(s):

  • Keep your letter concise, but warm.

  • Don't include any markings on the envelope to indicate the letter is from a private investigator. The current spouse/children of the recipient might not even know your client exists.

  • Introduce yourself as a private investigator and be sure to include a few different ways the birth parent can reach back out to you (address, phone number, email, etc).

  • State that your client, their biological child, is potentially interested in making contact with them (letter, swap emails, social media, etc). If that is not possible for the birth parent, then their biological child wishes very much to inquire about any health history they are able to provide. (This is just an example and needs to outline whatever your client has decided).

  • Think about your next steps and potential outcomes before you send your letter. If you don't receive a response from the birth parent, what's your plan? Will you try calling them next? It might not hurt to tell them in your letter that you wish to hear back from them, regardless of their decision and that all correspondence with you will be strictly confidential. You could say something like, "If I do not hear back from you by (date), I will attempt to reach out to you with a phone call."

  • If you DO decide a phone call is needed, be sure at the start of the call to ask if now is an appropriate time for them to speak with you about a sensitive matter. If it's not a good time for them, set up a time when they can talk freely. Example - "My name is Rachele' Davis and I am a private investigator. Is this a convenient time to talk? I have something important and private I would like to discuss with you. Are you where you can speak privately?"

  • Don't just state in your letter that you have discovered they are your client's birth parent. State the facts of your client's birth instead, then follow it up with a gentle inquiry such as, "After much research and careful consideration to the facts of my client's birth, we are reaching out to you with the possibility that you are his biological mother/father.”

If you’re an investigator or adoption searcher and you ever find you need more direction for an adoption case, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm always happy to help.

And if you’re an adoptee bent on reaching out to a birth parent yourself, tread lightly and definitely read those blog links I mentioned earlier in this blog post.