At the start of any adoption search, consideration should be given to the value of interviewing the adoptee’s family members.
An Example
Take Ana, for example.
Ana is an adoptee who has decided to search for her biological family. The family who adopted her consists of her mother, father, sister, two brothers, four aunts and uncles, and one grandparent who are still living.
Her mother and two brothers are fully supportive of Ana embarking on a search for her biological roots. Her father and sister, on the other hand, aren’t too happy about her decision. Ana hasn’t yet shared her desire to search with any other family members.
Ana decides to first approach her mother and two brothers for any information they might be able to provide her with that could potentially aid in her search for her biological family. She will then attempt to approach her father and sister and then her grandmother, four aunts, and four uncles.
When Ana sits down with her mother and broaches the subject of searching for her biological family, her mother offers her support in any way she can. Ana’s mother has some paperwork from Ana’s birth that she fishes out of the attic. She also remembers a few details about Ana’s birth parents that she willingly passes on to Ana. One detail, that her biological father worked on an oil rig in Texas, ended up becoming a crucial bit of information later in Ana’s search.
Ana questions each family member and gathers all the information she possibly can. Some of them are able to fill in a few holes. Some provide conflicting information. Others aren’t willing to share information even if they do have it. Regardless, Ana presses on and gathers all the information she can before she starts her search.
Fast forward six months in time to the moment Ana discovers the identities of her birth mother and father. That one bit of information Ana’s mother remembered about her birth father working on an oil rig in Texas became the clincher for her successful search.
Guidelines for Interviewing
Questioning family members about a past adoption can sometimes be crucial for a successful search. Oftentimes, it might not provide the smoking gun, but it does provide several jumping off points for a search to get started. It also sometimes aids in validating information as more and more is gathered.
Here are some general guidelines to consider before you make the leap to interview family members about your adoption:
Create a list of every family member who could potentially provide any information about your adoption. Don’t discount anyone. Include close family friends when pertinent.
Devise your questions before you interview anyone. Preparedness is key. Encourage your interviewee to share every bit of information they might have. No detail is too small.
Even family rumors should be considered, as well as any conflicting information you receive from family members. Gather it all. Sort it out later.
Consider interviewing your oldest family members first. If you have a grandmother who is 98 years old, don’t assume she’s going to be available for an interview in six months.
Even if you’re not ready to bite the bullet and officially start a search for your biological family, don’t delay in interviewing your family members. Memories fade. People die, as does the information they held.
Interview each family member separately. You don’t want one person’s responses to be influenced by another. This is especially true for your adoptive parents, as one parent could be more supportive of your decision to search than the other.
Write everything down. Everything. Even better, record each interview if your interviewee approves.
Be sensitive to each family member’s willingness to speak with you, their emotions, and point of view. Don’t be pushy just to get to the bottom line, at the expense of your relationship with that person.
If you approached a family member years ago and they rejected you, try approaching them again. Their frame of mind and opinion about sharing information with you might have changed.
As well as asking for information, ask for papers, certificates, letters, pictures, diaries, etc. that could provide clues to the identities of your biological family members.
Ask each family member to give you names of others who might hold valuable information about your adoption. Then interview those people as well.
Don’t discount interviewing someone based on your assumptions. You might have a cousin who is eight years younger than you and has never spoken to you about your adoption. But, lo and behold, when you interview them, they tell you they have a memory of their father saying something about going to middle school with your birth mom.
Don’t dismiss any detail that is shared with you, even if you suspect it’s inaccurate or doesn’t “fit”. It might not fit now, but it could later.
If interviewing family members is too daunting a task for you, you can always appoint someone else to do it for you. Another family member, a friend, or even an unbiased third party.
Prepare yourself mentally before interviewing family members and digging into your familial history. Prepare to potentially uncover family secrets, hurtful details, or shocking facts.
Don’t throw anyone under the bus. If a family member shares something with you in confidence, don’t betray their trust.
More Tips for an Adoption Search
For more information on preparing for an adoption search, check out some of my former blog posts: