Many of my clients are adoptees who hire me to search for one or both of their birth parents.
Their reasons for picking up the phone and calling me are varied. I’ve compiled 13 of the most common reasons adoptees choose to search. This list is, by no means, comprehensive and does not represent the reasoning behind every adoption search. It is also discussed in no particular order.
General Background
Many adoptees grow up without any knowledge of their biological connections or history. They just want a general sense of who they are and where they come from. They aren’t necessarily looking to reconnect with biological family members. They’ve just always had gnawing questions that can only be answered by discovering their biological identity.
Family History
Adoptees have an adoptive family history. But some of them don’t have a biological one. To get a better sense of their biological roots, some adoptees search so they can discover answers to these kinds of questions:
What does my biological family tree look like?
Who is my great great paternal grandfather?
Did any of my biological family members fight in any wars?
Where are my biological family members buried?
What is my biological heritage?
Medical History
Many adoptees search for biological family members just so they can have a more complete medical history for themselves and/or their children. Every time they visit a doctor, they are forced to leave the family medical history portion blank on their paperwork.
Does cancer run in the family? Alzheimer’s? Diabetes? Heart attacks for men in their 40s? Is there some medical issue or disease that runs in the family that the adoptee could prevent just by knowing and taking appropriate steps to combat whatever it is? Are there preventative measures that the adoptee could be taking, if only they had the knowledge of it in the first place?
Psychological History
Similar to medical history, it could be helpful for an adoptee to have a complete psychological history of their biological relatives. This knowledge could assist in earlier diagnosis for the adoptee and/or his or her children. It might also be combined with other factors in determining a particular path in life for the adoptee.
Physical Characteristics
Some adoptees simply want to know where their physical traits come from. Is their sharp nose from their biological mother’s mother? Does their height come from a long line of paternal uncles, great uncles, and grandfathers well over six feet tall? What about that crooked pinky finger or flat feet?
Many, many adoptees wonder and daydream about what their biological parents look like and whether or not they take after either of them.
I have an adopted friend who has spent her entire life wondering about this. Sometimes, when she sees an older woman at the store whom she favors, she wonders, “Could this be my birth mother?” Or she runs across a woman around her age who shares the same eyes and she wonders, “Could she be my biological sister?”
Family Connection
There are some adoptees who simply feel they are missing a family connection. They may or may not have a strong adopted family connection. But regardless, there is something missing for them that they would like the opportunity to fulfill by connecting with biological family members.
Biological Siblings
There are adoptees who might not desire to make connections with their biological parents, but they do feel a draw to connect with any potential siblings they may have. Do I have any siblings or half siblings out there? Do they know about me? Are any of my biological siblings also adopted?
For some, the stigma or blame they may place on a biological parent isn’t present for a biological sibling. The sibling didn’t have any choice in the matter and have nothing to do with the adoption.
Missing Link
Many adoptees describe feeling a missing piece in their lives in reference to their unknown biological roots. They may have lived a wonderful life, but have just always felt a piece missing that they are now looking to fulfill.
Curiosity
Human beings are curious by nature. Adoptees are sometimes simply curious about the identity of their biological family. They may not necessarily have a pull to discover their medical history or the desire to meet their biological family members, but they might instead just want to know about them. Who are they? Where do they come from? What circumstances led to my adoption?
Adoption Story
Why was I placed for adoption? This is a big question that doesn’t always have a straightforward and simple answer.
For a lot of adoptees, the chance to know their adoption story is paramount for their search.
Was I conceived as a result of sexual assault? Was my birth mother extremely young? Did her parents force adoption on her? Was I the result of an affair? Did my biological mother struggle with her decision? Does my biological father even know I exist? Did my birth mom place me for adoption to give me the chance at a better life? Did my birth parents already have too many children and they couldn’t afford me? Did my birth mom give me up because of a medical diagnosis?
Say Thank You
Believe it or not, I have had several adoptees hire me just to give them the chance to thank their birth parents for placing them for adoption. These adoptees feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and see their biological parents’ decision as selfless and one made in love. They want to reassure their birth parents that their decision did not ruin their life.
I’m Okay
Similarly, some adoptees want the chance to tell their biological parents that they are okay and turned out well. They want their biological family to know they made the right decision and their life is not lacking because of their decision.
Major Life Change
A final reason and a very common one for an adoptee to choose to search for their biological parents is a major change that has recently occurred in their life. This could be the adoptee’s marriage, birth of a child, death of an adoptive parent, medical diagnosis, or traumatic event. Sometimes, major life changes can bring about a time of reflection and change for a person. For an adoptee, this might mean embarking on a search for their biological roots.
Regardless of the reasoning behind an adoptee’s choice to search, I believe it is important to note that all of the aforementioned reasons and more are normal and completely acceptable. And it’s not always just one reason, but a combination of several of them that prompt a search.