You’ve found your biological parent(s)! You’re ready to write a letter or pick up the phone and call them. You suddenly realize you should have some kind of a plan in place for that initial contact.
The worst thing you can do is call your biological parent and say, “You’re my mom/dad.”
Please, please don’t do that.
Instead, consider some advice from an adoption searcher who has had many opportunities to connect adoptees with their biological families.
Whether you have conducted a search yourself or found someone else to search on your behalf, the contact phase should be handled with much consideration and aforethought.
Consider Their Point of View
You should first consider the biological family member you are about to contact. You have had time to gather your thoughts and put a plan in action. You initiated the search, so you’ve had time to prepare both mentally and emotionally. Your biological family member has not. Your contact is likely going to catch them completely off guard.
So take great care in your initial approach, your words, and demeanor. Don’t just contact them and immediately start asking questions. Chances are high that if you do take this kind of an abrupt approach, your biological family member will be scared off, go on the defensive, or shut down altogether.
Additionally, their initial negative reaction could be very hurtful to you. So instead of attempting shock value, take a step back and make a better plan.
You should consider the possibility that your biological parent has a spouse and children who don’t even know you exist. So you don’t want to put them in a bind with a suspicious phone call that they have to explain to their family members.
Incredibly, your biological parent might not even know of your existence themselves. If your biological mother never told your biological father that she was pregnant, he might have no clue whatsoever that you are even out there.
Prepare Yourself and Minimize Your Expectations
As an adoption searcher, I ask all of my adoptee clients to read this Pursuit Magazine article I wrote that explores all the reasons birth parents might not want to be found by the child they placed for adoption. It’s a good read that poses some questions you need to ask yourself before you decide to attempt contact with a birth parent.
Another article that might be helpful is this one I wrote on my blog that discusses preparing yourself for a variety of outcomes as you embark on a search.
As you can see, it’s just as important for you to prepare yourself for what is to come when you do attempt initial contact.
Choose a Method for Contact
Personally, I require one of two choices for my adoptee clients upon initial contact with their newly found biological family member. They can choose a phone call or a letter. Regardless of their choice, I require permission to be granted from the birth parent to pass their contact information along to my client.
If a phone call is deemed best, I make that phone call on behalf of my adoptee client. I don’t just pass a phone number onto my client and leave it up to them to decide what to do, what to say, and how to say it. Instead, I discuss with my client what they want me to say to their birth parent on their behalf. We discuss potential reactions and how I will handle each of them.
As a licensed private investigator, I’ve found this is just the safest and most professional method for contacting birth parents. It buffers my client from having to deal with a negative or shocked reaction. For the birth parent, it disarms them a bit and lessens their anxiety in speaking to a third party rather than to their child directly.
It is often much more attractive in the beginning for a birth parent to have the reassurance that I can act as the go-between. They know their child isn’t going to show up unannounced on their doorstep. The birth parent has time to process and have a voice in the decision-making moving forward. This can be a very comforting thing for the birth parent. I find it also elicits a more favorable outcome for both parties.
If, instead of a call or even in addition to one, my client wants to write a letter to their birth parent, I facilitate that as well. My client, the adoptee, has more control with this choice and can say exactly what they want to say in their own words. The adoptee writes a letter that I mail to the birth parent. I can also write a letter on their behalf if this is what my client wants.
Decide On What You Want To Say
So. I often find myself in the position to be the one either calling or writing a letter to a birth parent who is completely unsuspecting about the search that’s just been performed to find them. Whether you hire someone like me to do this for you or you find yourself going it alone, I have some specific suggestions regarding what to say and how to say it.
As you can imagine, initial contact with a birth parent often catches them completely off guard. They are shocked, taken aback, disbelieving, and wary.
I have found that, especially in adoption cases, first impressions are everything. Your first impression could very well be your only chance. So it’s best to choose your words carefully and maintain an attitude of kindness and humility.
Here are some specific suggestions:
Keep it simple. State who you are and the reason for your call/letter.
State minimal facts up front such as your given name at birth, birth date, and place of birth.
Give them a chance to verify or deny their parentage.
If they deny their parentage, ask if you can give them more information so you can make appropriate changes to your research in order to identify the correct biological parent.
Don’t immediately ask questions such as, “Why did you place me for adoption? Who is my birth father? Do I have siblings?”
Give them a chance to talk, but don’t try to pry information out of them.
If you can sense they don’t want to talk, just say the words you’ve prepared beforehand such as, “I just want you to know I’ve had a good life. I wanted to find you so I could thank you for choosing life for me. I know this call is completely overwhelming, so I don’t want to keep you on the line. I don’t want to disrupt your life or the life of your family, but I would love for you to consider having another conversation with me once you’ve had time to process all of this. Can I leave my contact information with you?”
Common Scenarios
The following examples are all from the point of view of a phone call, but can be altered to fit a letter as well:
Scenario 1 - Inconvenient Time to Talk
Searcher: “My name is Rachele’ Davis and I am a licensed private investigator. Is this a convenient time to talk? I have something important and private I would like to discuss with you. Are you where you can speak privately?”
Person found: “Well, no I’m not, but what do you want?”
Searcher: “Since this is not a good time for you to talk, I would rather call back when it is convenient for you. Would you please take down my name and phone number?”
Person found: “Okay”
Searcher: “Again, my name is Rachele’ Davis. My number is (417) 499-7922. Is there a good time when I might call you back?”
Person found: “Yes, tomorrow evening after 9:00 pm.”
Searcher: “I appreciate it. I’ll call you back tomorrow at promptly 9:00 pm. Thank you for your time.”
Scenario 2 - Convenient Time to Talk
Searcher: “My name is Rachele’ Davis and I am a licensed private investigator. Is this a convenient time to talk? I have something important and private I would like to discuss with you. Are you where you can speak privately?”
Person found: “I guess so. What’s this all about?”
Searcher: “As I said, my name is Rachele’ Davis and I’m a private investigator in Missouri. My client was born Eliza Marie Wendell at Wayne County General Hospital in Detroit on May 2, 1983 and placed for adoption.”
Person found: (Pause) “Oh my. I’ve always wondered if she would try to find me. I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe this is happening. How did you find me?”
Scenario 3 - Delving Into Whether You Have the Right Person
Searcher: “My name is Rachele’ Davis and I am a licensed private investigator. Is this a convenient time to talk? I have something important and private I would like to discuss with you. Are you where you can speak privately?”
Person found: “I suppose it’s okay.”
Searcher: “As I said, my name is Rachele’ Davis and I’m a private investigator in Missouri. My client was born Eliza Marie Wendell at Wayne County General Hospital in Detroit on May 2, 1983 and placed for adoption”.
Person found: “I don’t know who that is. Is that date supposed to mean something to me? What do you want?”
Searcher: “I’ve spent some time searching on Eliza’s behalf for her birth mother and I would like to either verify or eliminate you as potentially being her biological mother.”
Person found: “What? I can tell you right now, I am NOT her birth mother. This is ridiculous. How did you get my information?”
Searcher: “I absolutely don’t want to upset you, ma’am. Let me tell you how I got your information and maybe you can steer me in the right direction. A person with a similar name to you gave birth to a baby girl…”
A Few More Suggestions
Lastly, try your best to do the following:
Don’t make accusations
Respect boundaries
Give time for them absorb your initial contact
Make allowances for a negative knee-jerk reaction
If you don’t think you can handle their rejection, either choose someone else to make contact on your behalf or rethink whether you should attempt contact at all
Forgive
Know that regardless of what happens, you are loved