I’ve recently wrapped up an adoption search case in which an adoptee hired me to identify her biological father. She wanted his name and a photograph of him. I was able to provide both of those things to her. She wasn’t interested in making contact. She simply wanted to know his name and know what he looks like.
Contrary to popular opinion, not every adoptee is interested in finding their biological parents and establishing a relationship with them. Some have no interest in searching at all. They are perfectly content in their lives and don’t feel the need to seek out answers to questions they don’t even have. Others can’t wait to turn 18 so they can search out their biological roots. They long to establish a relationship with someone who shares their biological make-up.
Many fall somewhere in the middle like my recent client who wanted a name and a photograph. I’ve had clients who only want to seek out their health history. Some want answers. Others just want to tell their birth parent that they are okay and have lived a happy life. I’ve had several clients who simply want to thank their birth parent for making the tough decision to place them for adoption. Some adoptees want only to find their birth mother and not their birth father.
Regardless of level of desire or what exactly is behind their desire to search, all adoptees who choose to embark on a search for their biological family should take every potential outcome under consideration.
It’s easy and hopeful to get swept up into a fanciful daydream in which you locate your birth mother who has been searching for you for years and is elated that you’ve found her. She is a wonderful human who had you when she was 15 years old and had no other choice but to place you for adoption. She has regretted her decision her entire life and has dreamed of the day you might find her. She is married and has several other children who all welcome you into the family with open arms. You are the missing link they have all been waiting for to complete their family.
Nobody likes to consider identifying a birth mom who passed away from a drug overdose shortly after she gave birth to you. Or a birth mom who doesn’t want anything to do with you or your search for her. One who is ashamed of your existence and hasn’t even told her family that you exist. No adoptee wants to learn that their conception was a result of rape or some other trauma.
It’s okay to be hopeful. But your hope needs to be grounded in reality. Pain in some form is quite often part of every adoption. That’s reality.
My clients who are prepared to accept whatever the outcome may be are the ones who do best. They are grateful for answers, no matter what those answers look like.
If you are considering initiating a search, the best first step you can take is prepare yourself for a variety of outcomes. Be realistic. Be honest. If you don’t think you can accept the truth if the truth holds some painful realities, it’s best to hold off on a search until you can accept every possible outcome. You’ll be grateful you did.