For the majority of the adoption searches I conduct, it’s an adoptee who wants to identify and locate one or both of their birth parents. But lately, there’s been a noticeable uptick in the number of birth parents who contact me in search of the child they placed for adoption.
You might think that these searches are handled in much the same way. Two sides of the same coin. But they are very, very different.
Adoptees typically have more and better options at their fingertips than birth parents do. Depending on which state and/or agency that handled the adoption, adoptees can often at least get their hands on some “non-identifying” information about their birth parents. Non-identifying information can look something like this:
Your birth mother was 18 years old when you were born. You were the first child born to her. She was confident that placing you for adoption was the best thing for you, as she was unmarried with plans to attend college, but had no immediate means for supporting you. Her interests were piano, music, and poetry. She hoped to pursue and English degree in college. Her mother was a homemaker and her father was a traveling salesman. Your birth mother had two younger sisters, ages 16 and 13. At the time of your birth, all family members were healthy with no family history of cancers, dementia, diabetes, etc. Both your birth mother’s paternal and maternal grandparents were still living and all were healthy as well.
Many states give adoptees some kind of access to their original birth certificate, which can list their birth mother’s name and sometimes, their birth father’s too.
Even if an adoptee has no information about their birth parents, is denied their original birth certificate, and can’t even get their hands on non-identifying information, they can turn to DNA. In registering their DNA, they gain access to hundreds (and typically, thousands) of DNA matches. Granted, those matches might be distant cousins, but through the use of DNA and genealogy, it’s still possible to triangulate their birth parents’ identities.
Birth parents searching for the child they placed for adoption are not so lucky. Their options are normally far more limited in scope.
Generally speaking, birth parents are not given non-identifying information about the child they placed for adoption. They don’t have access to that child’s amended birth certificate, which lists their name and their adopted parents’ names. And even if they register their DNA, their chances of matching directly with their biological child or their biological child’s direct descendants is far more limited than when the tables are turned.
However, there are a few other options that are available to both adoptees and birth parents that are worth exploring.
Both parties can seek out and register with adoption reunion registries. Soundex Reunion Registry is an international registry available to both adoptees and birth parents, regardless of the state or even the country where the adoption took place. Many states also have their own reunion registry provided to adoptees, birth parents, and even sometimes siblings and other family members.
Some states provide confidential intermediaries, or even require the use of a confidential intermediary, to attempt contact between parties. A confidential intermediary is a third party recognized by the state that can contact both the adoptee and the birth parent(s) to try and facilitate communication between them, but both parties must be on board for this to be successful.
It is always, always worth a try for either party to track down adoption records and attempt to gain access. Whether this is through the state where the adoption took place or the agency that facilitated the adoption or the attorney that handled it. It’s certainly worth the ask.
As a final option, either the adoptee or the birth parent(s) can always placed a letter in the adoption file that indicates their wishes to be contacted, should the other party ever seek them out. Some agencies will accept a letter or will have a specific contact preference form that can be filled out and filed away.
Lastly, states are constantly in flux over their adoption record policies and laws. Even if your state currently denies any access whatsoever to any and all information, they can always change their laws and open up access. So if you don’t have much luck at first, don’t close the door entirely. There’s always hope.